Entry - 04

I am back again. Couldn't blog last month, not that I am too busy but still somehow couldn't. Well a lot have happened. To begin with both of my flatmates also my colleague got fired. One of them went back home and other one is still here searching for some other job. Recession has given a good excuse to all companies for firing specially to mine. It's a one man's company, only one man's decisions.

Anyways things are moving on, now I am going to leave this appartment soon. I'll live with my best friends. I started hating the place within 3 months of shifting there, everyone was fine but after living with brother like friends you won't like living with 'fine' people. Besides its not much of living together as everyone remains in his own room with his girlfriend or whatever.
To update on my startup plans, we are nearly done with the studying part. We have done some basic designing as well. Soon we'll start on development. Fingers crossed.

One of my closest friends, who happen to be a girl and who happen to fall in a one sided love with me is planning to visit me. She has been cause of many fights between me and my girlfriend. Last time I went with her on a day's trip me and my girlfriend almost had a breakup. I don't know what to do, i know it weird for my girlfriend but I also don't want to loose my friend. One thing I never told anybody is that on that trip I felt so attracted to that friend. She was lying in my lap and I almost kissed her. She always loved me more than she loved herself. She was always there to help me in all of my emotional breakdowns. Some times I feel she loves me more than my girlfriend. But I don't feel the same for her, I don't know why. But that day something happened, she was getting closer and closer to me and I was lost in the moment. Luckily nothing happened. She's coming to meet me again, I am scared for something might happen.

Let's hope everything will turn out fine.

Entry - 03

Things are moving up and down in all parts of my life. Sometimes good, sometime bad. But now I think it's time to put emotions aside and take control of everything.

If I don't organize my startup's team we are reaching nowhere, I have to forget they are my friends and I have to take the control. Also I have to be careful not to hurt them because I dont know if this company will survive or not but I do know these are my friends who I want to be with me always.

Not so easy but I'll have to figure out the correct balance.

Entry - 02

Sometimes I think I have everything that anyone could wish for, graduated from a one of the elite engineering school in the world, having a decently paid job in a field that I like, a loving girl friend with whom I am going to get married very soon, a group of very good and understanding friends, caring parents, it seems all so well.

But just below the surface its all messed up my boss is an asshole, who treats every employee as his slaves, company culture is horrible, I feel suffocated in that place. Each day its getting tougher and tougher to tolerate. Had it been last year I would have showed them middle finger and joined some other firm but no recession had to come this fucking year. Finding a job is almost impossible specially for a fresh college graduate like me.

My girlfriend, who is very loving and caring most of the time, is into a spiritual guru cult. Some times she just goes crazy specially on any matter related to that cult. She wont even listen anything against that guru while whole Internet is full of news and blogs warning about that fraudster. She's addicted to the group's prescribed way of "meditation", which by the way is totally a hypnosis kind of thing. But she is like a cocaine addict who can't calm down without her drug dose. I really love her so much, I can tolerate any imperfection in her, I can forgive any mistake she does but this is something beyond my limits. I just can't tolerate her putting anything above this relationship. Two or three times we have come to the point of breakup because of this. This year particularly isn't going so well for this relationship.

Me and my friends are planning for starting own venture which is something I really want to do. But with this job and these relationship issue it's becoming very hard to concentrate on anything. If this wasn't just enough, turns out it's one thing to have coordination with you friends in playing or partying and a completely different to have co-ordination on something like business. Its not so easy to order your old friends to finish assigned work and it makes me really angry if someone isn't as committed to something as I am. I dont know how I am going to pull this off.

Sometimes combined pressure from all this mess becomes so high that I feel I'll breakdown. I have always been in control of my life and never been so tensed as I am right now. I hope thing get little better otherwise dont know what will I do.

Entry - 01

I don't know why I am doing this, what do I want but I need to share a lot of things, I need to share without the fear of being judged upon.

May be I am trying to run away from myself and everyone who knows me, don't ask me why because even I don't know. Sometimes I just want to get lost in the crowd, to be a faceless entity, to cry when I am in pain, to be weak, to be totally different from my "usual image" of a confident, strong, always smiling guy, who loves to be in cenerstage.

Love me or Hate me, doesn't matter i am a free bird here.